Saturday, July 24, 2010
Wait just a Cotton Picking Minute!
Wait a minute (cotton picking), I am the parent why should I wait outside my childs room while they decide whether to let me in. Well knocking on the door is a courtesy to the child, it allows them to say things like "I'm changing" or "Just a minute". It alerts the child that someone is about to enter. Knocking on the door is just saying " I'm coming in, but I don't want to embarass you or frighten you. I respect your need for some degree of privacy." Conversely, the children are not allowed to lock the door unless they are changing clothes and never with another person in the room. We tell our kids this and they do not enter our room either without knocking and waiting for a response. If we ever suspect that something is wrong of course we go on in because the safety of our children overides all other considerations.
Friday, July 23, 2010
The Most Basic Element in Building a Family and How to Get it.
When I was younger, Ike and Tina Turner recorded a song called R-e-s-p-e-c-t. In that song Tina Turner sings "give it to me, give it to me, give it to me". Although not a huge Tina Turner fan, she makes a point, everybody wants to be respected. Even young children who are not mature enough to understand it want it. Husbands want it from their wives and vice-versa. What many people don't realize is that children want to be respected and they need to be taught to respect others. Talking about respecting your children may sound confusing. What have they done you might think to deserve my respect? Our society teaches us to respect achievements and achievers. Think about all the morally reprehensible sports and political figures that garner all kinds of respect based solely on athletic prowess or charisma. Most people don't understand what respect is all about, yet it is the foundation to the house in regards to building a happy home.
Children must be given respect before they earn it and children must learn to respect their parents before they can understand whether you have earned it or not. You may ask why is it important to respect your children and how do you do it?
Respect is important to children because it communicates that you value them. It is not the only way of communicating that you value them but in my opinion it is the best way. Acting in a respectful manner toward your children creates a framework for communicating everything else. You might say that you show your children that you value them every day by the things you do for them or even that you tell your children that you love them. If you feel that way, consider that someone may love a dog, but most people never speak of respecting their dog( well maybe a few). You can love someone for many reasons, but that doesn't mean that you communicate their value to them or even feel it yourself. Respect tells the child that they have intrinsic value outside the bounds of familial obligation. Believe me, if a child does not feel respected, they will become angry and resentful.
So how do you demonstrate respect to your children and teach them how to do it.
The first is manners. It is strange to me that many parents have better manners toward a total stranger off the street than to there own family members. Also many in our society today have no idea why manners are important and therefore don't expect their children to have good manners or even know how to define what good manners are. Most people would say that having good manners are things like being nice to people and chewing with your mouth closed. Those are great things but neither of those things define a style or method of communication which is what is important. When I speak about manners I am referring to the things we say and do as it relates to our display of deference to one another. For example, in our home we never enter on of our child's rooms without knocking. This shows that we respect their need for privacy. Just like I wouldn't come to your house and walk in without knocking, neither will I enter my kids room without that same courtesy. It is a basic emotion to want to control who is in our personal space and invasions without warning into our personal space are severe displays of disrespect. I will write more about this in my next post.
Children must be given respect before they earn it and children must learn to respect their parents before they can understand whether you have earned it or not. You may ask why is it important to respect your children and how do you do it?
Respect is important to children because it communicates that you value them. It is not the only way of communicating that you value them but in my opinion it is the best way. Acting in a respectful manner toward your children creates a framework for communicating everything else. You might say that you show your children that you value them every day by the things you do for them or even that you tell your children that you love them. If you feel that way, consider that someone may love a dog, but most people never speak of respecting their dog( well maybe a few). You can love someone for many reasons, but that doesn't mean that you communicate their value to them or even feel it yourself. Respect tells the child that they have intrinsic value outside the bounds of familial obligation. Believe me, if a child does not feel respected, they will become angry and resentful.
So how do you demonstrate respect to your children and teach them how to do it.
The first is manners. It is strange to me that many parents have better manners toward a total stranger off the street than to there own family members. Also many in our society today have no idea why manners are important and therefore don't expect their children to have good manners or even know how to define what good manners are. Most people would say that having good manners are things like being nice to people and chewing with your mouth closed. Those are great things but neither of those things define a style or method of communication which is what is important. When I speak about manners I am referring to the things we say and do as it relates to our display of deference to one another. For example, in our home we never enter on of our child's rooms without knocking. This shows that we respect their need for privacy. Just like I wouldn't come to your house and walk in without knocking, neither will I enter my kids room without that same courtesy. It is a basic emotion to want to control who is in our personal space and invasions without warning into our personal space are severe displays of disrespect. I will write more about this in my next post.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
An Arrogant Blog
To me it is a little arrogant to suppose that my wife and I know enough about parenting to advise other people. After all we are still learning every day. Yet when I look around me I realize that there are many parents who are just as clueless as we were, and believe me, when we started this journey we were clueless and needed help. We have since that time learned some things that might be helpful to others who are also trying to raise good kids.
First let me give you a little background so that when we make references to different children and situations you have a point of reference. I was married when I was a teenager and had a son by the time I was 18. That marriage did not last long and by the time I was 20, I was single again and my son was living with my ex-wife. During the divorce, I turned my life over to Christ and became serious about learning all I could about how to be a good husband.
Over the next few years I constantly studied books about parenting, women's needs , how to be a good husband should I get married again. I dated rarely for the next seven years, instead devoting myself to church involvement and ministry. At the end of that time I remarried. That marriage ended five years later with the death of my wife to colon cancer at the age of 31. We had no children.
Two and a half years later I married Libi. We have raised four kids of our own in addition to the blessing of having my son come to live with us when he was 14.
I have a degree in marketing from the University of Texas, have had some graduate Classes at Dallas Theological Seminary, have worked for both Dell Corporation and NCR in their technology sales divisions and we have run our own businesses for over 15 years. I am also an ordained minister. Libi has a degree in English from Georgia Southwestern College, has helped start 2 christian schools, founded a homeschool ministry and had initial training in counseling for dyslexics. She and I have homeschooled since our first child was in kindergarten (he is now 17).
We are sometimes asked what our secret is to raising good kids. In this blog we hope to show you. Please check back often, as we update our posts.
First let me give you a little background so that when we make references to different children and situations you have a point of reference. I was married when I was a teenager and had a son by the time I was 18. That marriage did not last long and by the time I was 20, I was single again and my son was living with my ex-wife. During the divorce, I turned my life over to Christ and became serious about learning all I could about how to be a good husband.
Over the next few years I constantly studied books about parenting, women's needs , how to be a good husband should I get married again. I dated rarely for the next seven years, instead devoting myself to church involvement and ministry. At the end of that time I remarried. That marriage ended five years later with the death of my wife to colon cancer at the age of 31. We had no children.
Two and a half years later I married Libi. We have raised four kids of our own in addition to the blessing of having my son come to live with us when he was 14.
I have a degree in marketing from the University of Texas, have had some graduate Classes at Dallas Theological Seminary, have worked for both Dell Corporation and NCR in their technology sales divisions and we have run our own businesses for over 15 years. I am also an ordained minister. Libi has a degree in English from Georgia Southwestern College, has helped start 2 christian schools, founded a homeschool ministry and had initial training in counseling for dyslexics. She and I have homeschooled since our first child was in kindergarten (he is now 17).
We are sometimes asked what our secret is to raising good kids. In this blog we hope to show you. Please check back often, as we update our posts.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)